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Dating Strategies: What Works? What Doesn’t?
Here’s my take on the dating game, the rules and the play: It’s a bit like walking on a high wire. There are strategies and methods that work to get you safely across that wire without falling, and there are things that are simply just stupid.
1. Know Yourself.
For example, clearly if one appears needy and desperate this is a turn off. Women typically appear this way by doing things that would seem to violate the rules of the “hard to get” game. They call too early, they call to often, they talk too much, they dress too revealingly, they simply work too hard at it and it shows obviously and it communicates fear of loneliness and desperation.
Men can appear needy and desperate too. Contacting a woman three or four times on that dating site before she’s even had the chance to respond to your first email, calling repetitively in a single 24 hour period, divulging everything you think and feel and all your past in the first email or date, talking about yourself constantly, over promoting yourself, selling yourself too hard, pointing out all your really great qualities for her (really? If they exist she’ll be smart enough to notice) and moving in for the kill (sex) way too quickly.
Confidence is something you simply can’t fake. That’s why when I talk with folks about their dating dilemmas the very first thing I advise is for them to take time to figure out who they are and what they are about. The dating game is not about attracting someone just for the sake of attracting someone, is it? It is about finding someone who is the best fit in terms of lifestyle temperament and connection for you. In order to recognize this fit when he/she appears, you’ve got to do your homework and the homework begins with getting to know who you are and what you are about. You simply can’t take shortcuts here unless, of course, you want to invite misery.
2. Relax and Enjoy The Journey
Life and dating are a process not a destination. You don’t just suddenly arrive. You travel. You move. You learn and grow. Early on in my dating I was befuddled by the going silent thing that guys can often do. It didn’t really bother me if I met the guy once and he never called back but if we’d been dating for a couple of months, shared some intimacy and he simply disappeared then I’d be a bit peeved. In the same way, when a relationship ended, or when I figured it wasn’t going to work out I spent more energy dreading the pain I imagined I was going to experience and fearing that I’d be alone forever than really being genuinely disappointed that this particular relationship with this particular individual was not going to get off the ground. Once I realized that’s what I was doing I realized a couple of other things as well.
First, I realized I really enjoy being single. If I end up being single till I die, it won’t be my preference but my life will still be wonderful. I’m okay with this. It shows in my interactions with other people too and it takes a lot of pressure out of my dating adventures. I am far more relaxed and I can enjoy getting to know the other person for who they are.
This realization led me to the realization that no dating experience is really ever wasted. If things progress they progress. If they don’t, I’ve gotten to know another really interesting human being and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. No experience is a waste of time. I can learn something from all of it. Instead of worrying about where the road is leading I enjoy the sights along the way.
3. Take Care of You
We’ve all heard it: Take care of you because if you don’t no one else will. It sounds trite but it is so true. When we date we can lose ourselves. It is so much fun to be caught up in that moment, the romance, the emotion, the sexual tension, the way you feel so attractive and valuable when you are with the other person that you begin to make compromises. He calls at the last minute and you change your plans to take some time alone for yourself that evening and pretty soon you have a tyrannical situation on your hands. You skip an evening out with the guys that you’ve had planned for a month because she’s disappointed that you are not getting together that night. Before you know it you are unhappy, tired, dissatisfied, and stressed and this affects your relationships. You aren’t able to bring your best self to the table because your best self has somehow disappeared.
While I’m a firm believer in making the other person a priority and treating them with utmost respect and consideration especially if the relationship is more than a few months old, I’m also adamant that people take care of themselves. Mothers and women can be especially guilty of this. I know I am. I am often so busy trying to make sure that my responsibilities are met, that my kids are cared for and nurtured that my sweetie feels valued and admired and connected with (I need that too don’t get me wrong) that I forget to slow down and take time for me. It is important to give yourself permission to say, “I just need a night home alone with my hot tub and pedicure kit”. You don’t need to put it that way to your date, necessarily, but I think you get the point here. We all just need some time to think our own thoughts, do our own thing or do something independent that we enjoy. This revitalizes us. For me, it keeps me from becoming stagnant, boring, frazzled and easily irritated.
Know yourself, relax, enjoy the journey and take care of you really aren’t rules per se, but they are good strategies for making sure you experience dating in the most rewarding manner possible. These are not the only strategies or approaches that work, I’ll admit.
What approaches, strategies or practices have you found helpful in your dating journey? What’s worked for you? What hasn’t?
Doing Romance From A Distance
A little over a year ago, I went through this phase of signing up for every online dating site I could. I was pretty broke so I couldn’t exactly sign up and pay a fee for all of them all at once. What I chose to do was try each one out a month or two at a time. One of the paid sites that I ended up trying out during this time was eHarmony. eHarmony is the most expensive dating site out there and to even get a reasonable monthly rate you have to sign up for a minimum of three months at a time, which I did. Except for the things I learned about how to screen flakes out quickly, it was a waste of my time.
Why?
Because of the several hundred or so people they matched me with only one was in my local area and most were on the other side of the country or several states away at least. Since I was struggling financially and my transportation was unreliable and none of the people I met were willing to quite travel the distance to meet me, continuing with eHarmony was unrealistic for me.
Since those times, things have changed for me. My finances have improved, though paying for a round trip ticket to the other side of the country is still out of the question for me without a lot of lead time. My vehicles are in good shape and more reliable than they were so the idea of traveling several hours away to visit or meet someone is not completely out of the question. In fact, as I’ve reflected upon my own goals and objectives in life, as I’ve pondered my priorities in relationship and as I’ve contemplated what my standards and expectations are for relationship and for a quality partner, the idea that I might have to look further than my own neighborhood to find it has become starkly apparent.
But dating is tricky and relationship can be difficult. Issues like compatibility, perspectives, values, spirituality, lifestyles need to be discussed, observed and evaluated in terms of “fit”. Even more importantly there are certain dynamics that, for me anyway, have to exist in order for a relationship to really be viable. These things involve transparency, trust, the ability to have those tough conversations without taking offense. Couples dating from a distance also have the issues of proximity (or lack of) and communication blocks due to technology and time zones to deal with. In this world which is rapidly diminishing in size due to our increasing technologies, dating from a distance is likely to become more and more prevalent.
So how can couples safely and effectively negotiate a romantic involvement from a distance? How long can they be apart and still maintain the relationship? What are the key elements that must be present in order for their romance to grow and thrive. How are these things achieved and furthered?
These are the questions that have rolled around in my mind as I’ve contemplated, okay, entered into a relationship of sorts where 17 hours, several continents and 12,000 miles separate us. It isn’t exactly like he lives across town and I can say “Hey, let’s barbecue some steaks and hang in the hot tub for a bit tonight.” At the same time, I know we can’t be the only people or the first to experience this situation.
How do you do relationship from a distance?
2 Sexes 