Blog Archives
Red Flags Waving
This post could also be titled, “You know you are in trouble when…” Anonymous commented on my last post about how she finally met up with a guy that lied about his age. He said he was 49, he ended up being about 63. This happens often, dear friends. In fact, I could regale you with stories from men I met when I was dating online about the many times women would lie about their age. I’ve heard that it is more common that women will lie about their age and men will lie about their height. My experience and the experiences others shared with me over the years confirms this. However, it is also true that men will at times lie about their age…and sometimes they do both. Anonymous’ comment reminded me of another of my own stories.
I fell in love with him over the phone. This, of course, was my first problem. When you spend so much time on the phone or texting, or in any digital form before really meeting face to face, that you can actually form feelings for a person, then you should be very, very concerned. When a relationship stalls at the talking or emailing stage, it’s a huge red flag that something isn’t right somewhere. Trust me on this one. It isn’t your job to figure out what exactly is wrong and where (unless it’s you and then what game are you playing anyway?). You should run fast and in the opposite direction of that stalled situation.
Of course, I did not know any of this back then. I, unthinkingly and naïvely, went along with the situation. It didn’t help that this person lived about two and a half hours away from me. The distance allowed me to give myself an excuse to continue chatting with a man who I found interesting, humorous and intelligent; all qualities that are scarce in men in my small part of the world…at least…my small part of Online World. In reality, I’ve since connected with, met and conducted relationships with men at that distance and further away. All I can say now is had the man wanted to really meet me, the drive would not have been an issue. I should have seen the red flags waving. I did not…or I chose not to. It really doesn’t matter anyway now, but it should have.
I’m ashamed to admit, but I do believe a couple of months passed in this fashion until the fateful day when I actually was able to visit the fair city where this man supposedly lived because of a conference I attended for my job. I looked forward to being able to meet this fun man with the attractive picture and great sense of humor, finally.
I’m not sure when I woke up to see this huge, furiously waving, red flag, but I think it was when he didn’t immediately suggest we meet upon my arrival in his city. (I know. I know. It should have been so much earlier than this.) I became a bit more suspicious when he suggested I come to his place instead of meeting somewhere public…and he was hesitant to do even that. I, finally, began to smell a fraud when Day 3 of my four-day conference arrived and we still hadn’t met up though there’d been plenty of discussion. I think it was at that time that I called him out.
“Look. I enjoy talking to you and I’d really like to meet you, but I leave town tomorrow. If you aren’t willing to make an effort to meet up with me tonight, I’m going to assume you aren’t really interested in meeting me.”
Now, I know how stupid (and potentially dangerous) this was. I know now, and I think I even knew it then, that I should have stopped talking with him long before this and even then I should not even have had to have that conversation. Something wasn’t legit. I could sense it. I should have just stopped the communication, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I had to find out what was up.
He did agree to meet with me, finally.
We arranged to meet in the hotel lounge at a certain time.
He was over an hour late.
When he arrived, I would never have recognized him, except that he recognized me first.
After we exchanged the first greetings, he mentioned how I looked exactly like my picture. I remember biting my tongue to keep from blurting out, “Really? You look nothing like yours.”
The man’s picture in his dating profile depicted a man easily six feet tall. This man was no more than 5 feet 9, because he was exactly my height and I was wearing three-inch heels. His picture and profile said he was 46. I do believe he was at least 60 if not older. His face showed it, but so did his hands.
He clearly had lied about his age and his height.
I spent a few minutes with the man. I think we may have walked around the downtown area for a bit and then I dismissed myself on the pretense that I had an early morning with the conference and all. Never mind that I’d spent the last two nights up late talking to him on the phone. We both knew when I said good-bye that we would never communicate ever again. And that’s exactly how it went. I do believe we crossed paths online a week or two later. He’d changed up his profile…now his location was different.
Creepy? You bet. And that brings me to the reason I say when the relationship stalls in digital format…run! Don’t play games; don’t waste time hoping he’ll eventually want to meet you, don’t try to solve the mystery surrounding the reasons for the stalling. At best the guy is lying about his or her age, his height, his marital status. If that’s the case, you’ll consider yourself fortunate. I don’t even want to imagine what the “at worst” scenario could be.
Dating Strategies: What Works? What Doesn’t?
Here’s my take on the dating game, the rules and the play: It’s a bit like walking on a high wire. There are strategies and methods that work to get you safely across that wire without falling, and there are things that are simply just stupid.
1. Know Yourself.
For example, clearly if one appears needy and desperate this is a turn off. Women typically appear this way by doing things that would seem to violate the rules of the “hard to get” game. They call too early, they call to often, they talk too much, they dress too revealingly, they simply work too hard at it and it shows obviously and it communicates fear of loneliness and desperation.
Men can appear needy and desperate too. Contacting a woman three or four times on that dating site before she’s even had the chance to respond to your first email, calling repetitively in a single 24 hour period, divulging everything you think and feel and all your past in the first email or date, talking about yourself constantly, over promoting yourself, selling yourself too hard, pointing out all your really great qualities for her (really? If they exist she’ll be smart enough to notice) and moving in for the kill (sex) way too quickly.
Confidence is something you simply can’t fake. That’s why when I talk with folks about their dating dilemmas the very first thing I advise is for them to take time to figure out who they are and what they are about. The dating game is not about attracting someone just for the sake of attracting someone, is it? It is about finding someone who is the best fit in terms of lifestyle temperament and connection for you. In order to recognize this fit when he/she appears, you’ve got to do your homework and the homework begins with getting to know who you are and what you are about. You simply can’t take shortcuts here unless, of course, you want to invite misery.
2. Relax and Enjoy The Journey
Life and dating are a process not a destination. You don’t just suddenly arrive. You travel. You move. You learn and grow. Early on in my dating I was befuddled by the going silent thing that guys can often do. It didn’t really bother me if I met the guy once and he never called back but if we’d been dating for a couple of months, shared some intimacy and he simply disappeared then I’d be a bit peeved. In the same way, when a relationship ended, or when I figured it wasn’t going to work out I spent more energy dreading the pain I imagined I was going to experience and fearing that I’d be alone forever than really being genuinely disappointed that this particular relationship with this particular individual was not going to get off the ground. Once I realized that’s what I was doing I realized a couple of other things as well.
First, I realized I really enjoy being single. If I end up being single till I die, it won’t be my preference but my life will still be wonderful. I’m okay with this. It shows in my interactions with other people too and it takes a lot of pressure out of my dating adventures. I am far more relaxed and I can enjoy getting to know the other person for who they are.
This realization led me to the realization that no dating experience is really ever wasted. If things progress they progress. If they don’t, I’ve gotten to know another really interesting human being and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. No experience is a waste of time. I can learn something from all of it. Instead of worrying about where the road is leading I enjoy the sights along the way.
3. Take Care of You
We’ve all heard it: Take care of you because if you don’t no one else will. It sounds trite but it is so true. When we date we can lose ourselves. It is so much fun to be caught up in that moment, the romance, the emotion, the sexual tension, the way you feel so attractive and valuable when you are with the other person that you begin to make compromises. He calls at the last minute and you change your plans to take some time alone for yourself that evening and pretty soon you have a tyrannical situation on your hands. You skip an evening out with the guys that you’ve had planned for a month because she’s disappointed that you are not getting together that night. Before you know it you are unhappy, tired, dissatisfied, and stressed and this affects your relationships. You aren’t able to bring your best self to the table because your best self has somehow disappeared.
While I’m a firm believer in making the other person a priority and treating them with utmost respect and consideration especially if the relationship is more than a few months old, I’m also adamant that people take care of themselves. Mothers and women can be especially guilty of this. I know I am. I am often so busy trying to make sure that my responsibilities are met, that my kids are cared for and nurtured that my sweetie feels valued and admired and connected with (I need that too don’t get me wrong) that I forget to slow down and take time for me. It is important to give yourself permission to say, “I just need a night home alone with my hot tub and pedicure kit”. You don’t need to put it that way to your date, necessarily, but I think you get the point here. We all just need some time to think our own thoughts, do our own thing or do something independent that we enjoy. This revitalizes us. For me, it keeps me from becoming stagnant, boring, frazzled and easily irritated.
Know yourself, relax, enjoy the journey and take care of you really aren’t rules per se, but they are good strategies for making sure you experience dating in the most rewarding manner possible. These are not the only strategies or approaches that work, I’ll admit.
What approaches, strategies or practices have you found helpful in your dating journey? What’s worked for you? What hasn’t?
Dating Dilemma: Would You Call Him or Would You Wait?
Last night, I spent some time with a good friend. She’d just gone out for dinner with a g
uy. It was their first date. She was telling me how it went over a couple of glasses of Reisling at my place.
You know how it is after a first date. You go out. You seem to click. He gives off all the signs that it seems to be going well from his end. You are definitely into him on your end, but playing it cool so as not to appear overly eager or desperate. The date ends nicely, he says he’ll call. You say your good-byes and go your separate ways.
Then you wait and wonder. Will he really call? Then you wait and wonder some more. How should you read how that date went? Did it really go well? Was he really interested or just being nice? All these questions can run through a woman’s mind the first few hours after you date someone for the first time.
A male friend of mine called toward the end of the evening. He’s a pretty good listener and being as he does a fair amount of counseling in his profession, I put him on the phone with her. Actually, I just did it so they could say hello not for free dating advice but the conversation just went there. He gave her the following advice, “If you don’t hear from him in a few days, I’d call him up and ask what’s up?”
When she told me this my jaw dropped to the floor. Well, okay, not really, but I was completely surprised at this advice. Especially, coming from him. It just wasn’t exactly what I would have expected him to say. It also seems to be totally against the rules. Yet, it was coming from a guy and a pretty put together guy at that. She asked me what I thought of his suggestion. I told her, “No way! Don’t call him!”
“Why not?” she queried.
“Because, if you don’t give him a chance to demonstrate that he’s really a man of his word how are you ever going to know?” I paused for effect and because I was out of breath. “Also, if you go calling him first, how do you know he’s really into you? Make him exert some relational muscle to begin with.” I’m also personally, not really big into “chasing guys” and my friend knew this.
Upon leaving I’m quite sure my friend was more surprised at the completely opposite advice that she got from her two friends than anything. He’s a guy and giving her the very opposite advice from what I gave as a woman. He has his reasons and perspectives. I have my rationale.
So, here are the questions of the day: What would you do if you were my friend? Whose dating advice would you follow? Would you take the guy’s advice and call, or my advice and wait? What reasons do you have for your decision?
We’d all love to hear your perspectives and advice!
2 Sexes 