Red Flags Waving

This post could also be titled, “You know you are in trouble when…”  Anonymous commented on my last post about how she finally met up with a guy that lied about his age.  He said he was 49, he ended up being about 63.  This happens often, dear friends.  In fact, I could regale you with stories from men I met when I was dating online about the many times women would lie about their age.  I’ve heard that it is more common that women will lie about their age and men will lie about their height.  My experience and the experiences others shared with me over the years confirms this.  However, it is also true that men will at times lie about their age…and sometimes they do both.   Anonymous’ comment reminded me of another of my own stories.

I fell in love with him over the phone.  This, of course, was my first problem.  When you spend so much time on the phone or texting, or in any digital form before really meeting face to face, that you can actually form feelings for a person, then you should be very, very concerned.  When a relationship stalls at the talking or emailing stage, it’s a huge red flag that something isn’t right somewhere.  Trust me on this one.  It isn’t your job to figure out what exactly is wrong and where (unless it’s you and then what game are you playing anyway?).  You should run fast and in the opposite direction of that stalled situation.

Of course, I did not know any of this back then. I, unthinkingly and naïvely, went along with the situation.  It didn’t help that this person lived about two and a half hours away from me.  The distance allowed me to give myself an excuse to continue chatting with a man who I found interesting, humorous and intelligent; all qualities that are scarce in men in my small part of the world…at least…my small part of Online World. In reality, I’ve since connected with, met and conducted relationships with men at that distance and further away.  All I can say now is had the man wanted to really meet me, the drive would not have been an issue.  I should have seen the red flags waving.  I did not…or I chose not to.  It really doesn’t matter anyway now, but it should have.

I’m ashamed to admit, but I do believe a couple of months passed in this fashion until the fateful day when I actually was able to visit the fair city where this man supposedly lived because of a conference I attended for my job. I looked forward to being able to meet this fun man with the attractive picture and great sense of humor, finally.

I’m not sure when I woke up to see this huge, furiously waving, red flag, but I think it was when he didn’t immediately suggest we meet upon my arrival in his city. (I know. I know.  It should have been so much earlier than this.)  I became a bit more suspicious when he suggested I come to his place instead of meeting somewhere public…and he was hesitant to do even that.  I, finally, began to smell a fraud when Day 3 of my four-day conference arrived and we still hadn’t met up though there’d been plenty of discussion.  I think it was at that time that I called him out.

“Look.  I enjoy talking to you and I’d really like to meet you, but I leave town tomorrow.  If you aren’t willing to make an effort to meet up with me tonight, I’m going to assume you aren’t really interested in meeting me.”

Now, I know how stupid (and potentially dangerous) this was.  I know now, and I think I even knew it then, that I should have stopped talking with him long before this and even then I should not even have had to have that conversation.  Something wasn’t legit.  I could sense it.  I should have just stopped the communication, but I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  I had to find out what was up.

He did agree to meet with me, finally.

We arranged to meet in the hotel lounge at a certain time.

He was over an hour late.

When he arrived, I would never have recognized him, except that he recognized me first.

After we exchanged the first greetings, he mentioned how I looked exactly like my picture.  I remember biting my tongue to keep from blurting out, “Really?  You look nothing like yours.”

The man’s picture in his dating profile depicted a man easily six feet tall.  This man was no more than 5 feet 9, because he was exactly my height and I was wearing three-inch heels.   His picture and profile said he was 46.  I do believe he was at least 60 if not older.  His face showed it, but so did his hands.

He clearly had lied about his age and his height.

I spent a few minutes with the man.  I think we may have walked around the downtown area for a bit and then I dismissed myself on the pretense that I had an early morning with the conference and all.  Never mind that I’d spent the last two nights up late talking to him on the phone.  We both knew when I said good-bye that we would never communicate ever again.  And that’s exactly how it went.  I do believe we crossed paths online a week or two later.  He’d changed up his profile…now his location was different.

Creepy?  You bet.  And that brings me to the reason I say when the relationship stalls in digital format…run!  Don’t play games; don’t waste time hoping he’ll eventually want to meet you, don’t try to solve the mystery surrounding the reasons for the stalling. At best the guy is lying about his or her age, his height,  his marital status. If that’s the case, you’ll consider yourself fortunate. I don’t even want to imagine what the “at worst” scenario could be.

Doing Romance From A Distance

A little over a year ago, I went through this phase of signing up for every online dating site I could.  I was pretty broke so I couldn’t exactly sign up and pay a fee for all of them all at once.  What I chose to do was try each one out a month or two at a time.  One of the paid sites that I ended up trying out during this time was eHarmony.  eHarmony is the most expensive dating site out there and to even get a reasonable monthly rate you have to sign up for a minimum of three months at a time, which I did.  Except for the things I learned about how to screen flakes out quickly, it was a waste of my time.

Why?

Because of the several hundred or so people they matched me with only one was in my local area and most were on the other side of the country or several states away at least.  Since I was struggling financially and my transportation was unreliable and none of the people I met were willing to quite travel the distance to meet me, continuing with eHarmony was unrealistic for me. 

Since those times, things have changed for me.  My finances have improved, though paying for a round trip ticket to the other side of the country is still out of the question for me without a lot of lead time.  My vehicles are in good shape and more reliable than they were so the idea of traveling several hours away to visit or meet someone is not completely out of the question.  In fact, as I’ve reflected upon my own goals and objectives in life, as I’ve pondered my priorities in relationship and as I’ve contemplated what my standards and expectations are for relationship and for a quality partner, the idea that I might have to look further than my own neighborhood to find it has become starkly apparent.

But dating is tricky and relationship can be difficult.  Issues like compatibility, perspectives, values, spirituality, lifestyles need to be discussed, observed and evaluated in terms of “fit”.  Even more importantly there are certain dynamics that, for me anyway, have to exist in order for a relationship to really be viable.  These things involve transparency, trust, the ability to have those tough conversations without taking offense. Couples dating from a distance also have the issues of proximity (or lack of) and communication blocks due to technology and time zones to deal with.  In this world which is rapidly diminishing in size due to our increasing technologies, dating from a distance is likely to become more and more prevalent.

So how can couples safely and effectively negotiate a romantic involvement from a distance?  How long can they be apart and still maintain the relationship?  What are the key elements that must be present in order for their romance to grow and thrive. How are these things achieved and furthered? 

These are the questions that have rolled around in my mind as I’ve contemplated, okay, entered into a relationship of sorts where 17 hours, several continents and 12,000 miles separate us.  It isn’t exactly like he lives across town and I can say “Hey, let’s barbecue some steaks and hang in the hot tub for a bit tonight.”  At the same time, I know we can’t be the only people or the first to experience this situation.

How do you do relationship from a distance?

My Feminine Side

These two sexes actually met here at WordPress and immediately recognised a literary chemistry. That’s not to say that I agreed with everything My Feminine Side had to say, quite the contrary. It was simply a matter of understanding what MFS was saying in the context in which it was written. This allowed for open, non-threatening dialogue where opposing views were not considered to be criticisms but alternative, valid opinions.

 The chemistry remains and we constantly discuss topics ranging from sports to parenting to cultural differences but without doubt the topic of Male/Female relationships and the plight of the single parent dominates. MFS is able to discuss any issue with an open mind and she is always willing to bend, or change her opinions, when faced with an intelligent, thoughtful and meaningful alternative. She isn’t “bound” by preconceptions or gender biases but does write from a place heavily influenced by her own past experience. Don’t we all?

MFS lives a world away. Though we might both be considered WASP’s our opinions, belief systems, expectations and reactions are culturally slanted and gender based. 

Contrary to what we’ve been lead to believe I think that it’s impossible for a man to sympathise with womanhood. Empathy is as close as we can get to understanding the uniquely female aspects of life. However, ignorance, sexism, ambivalence and “care factor” inhibit our ability to learn and frankly they perpetuate the ignorant male myth. The more these things are discussed the closer we, as men, get to understanding the impact female “peculiarities” (yes, I chose my words wisely) have on our partners and consequently our relationships.

MFS is easily able to verbalise her thoughts, opinions and feelings in an easy to read, sometimes sardonic, often humorous, always relevant way. She is intelligent, thoughtful and insightful. Her life experiences, academic qualifications and world view all bode well for interesting, sometimes controversial, often cryptic, honest and thought provoking posts.

I’m looking forward to contributing my share and hearing what you, our readers, have to say.