On Becoming

I’ve been thinking about something lately and this idea has come up in several conversations over the course of the last week.  Of course, it has to do with relationship.  In particular, it has to do with the tendency of women to be more accommodating to men in terms of activities and interests, than men are  to women. 

Let me take a whack at explaining.

Suppose you have two young people interested in each other.  He is into Nascar or fixing up old cars and racing them or bowling or flyfishing or riding quads or whatever.  She could care less, but because she likes him and is interested in furthering a relationship with him she tags along and makes like she’s into whatever he’s into.  If she’s not into it and doesn’t really care about the activity, she’ll actually go along and be pleasant for a while, at least until the relationship is stabilized and established, then when she begins to feel comfortable in the relationship she may participate in this activity with him less and less.

Have you ever noticed how men do not tend to do this?  What is up with that? 

I knew this guy I once worked with and about a year ago we were talking about online dating and so on and he made the statement, “She’s got to be into hiking!”  That, of course, was his passion.  Now this was an attractive enough man, but not someone I would ever date (not that I even ever considered it nor was I given the opportunity to consider it fortunately).  Why?  I’m not into hiking and I’m not into getting into hiking just to be with a guy.  No, that’s not how I roll anymore.

I used to though.  Plenty.

In high school I dated a third generation Japanese boy.  As a result I “got into”  snow skiing, water skiing, 4-wheeling, Japanese cuisine and using chopsticks instead of silverware at every meal, most particularly when Japanese fare was served.

In college, I dated a guy for several months who was a hockey player, in the summer, I got into roller skating around campus and town with him.

Later, I dated a guy who was into the Western Swing, two-step, and I picked that up.

I then dated a guy who trained for triathlons and, you guessed it, I began cycling, running and swimming (I was already a swimmer and a runner, but I really learned the finer art of the road race from him).

I essentially became whatever the person I dated wanted.  While I enjoyed all of those things, the problem was that I didn’t have much of my own interests and self to bring to the table so when ever a guy came along I scrapped me and became what he wanted.

This was not a good habit to get into when it came to considering marriage and as you can guess, I did meet and marry someone and I “became” the wife he wanted.  Problem with all that is that one day, ten years or so later, I realized I wasa doing a bunch of stuff I didn’t want to be doing for a bunch of people I didn’t care much for and I didn’t like any of it.  It didn’t bode well for the marriage.

I think many women today, especially younger women encounter this dilemma.

You see, intuitively, women seem to know that men connect through activity while women connect through conversation.  For a woman, what you do is less important than who you are with and how you are relating.  For a guy, it is important to do some physical activity before he can feel safe enough to converse or connect.  This is why women have an easier time of “getting into” whatever the guy is into because as long as there’s an opportunity for conversation and relationship, she’s all good.  Guys on the other hand connect through activity so it’s got to be something he relates to. He’s not going to feel really comfortable hanging with you at the spa while you get your pedicure done necessarily.

The problem with this occurs, when a woman, such as I used to be, is not in touch enough with herself to know what she’s about.  She then loses herself and becomes whatever it is the man wants her to become.  That’s fine if she ends up liking that, but if one day, years down the road she wakes up and thinks, this isn’t really me, this isn’t what I want to be…then there is bound to be some choppy water in the ocean of love.

I’ve come a long way since those earlier years.  Of course, it isn’t all bad either.  Through each of those men, I learned something about myself.  Through my first Japanese boyfriend I learned that I love boating and water skiing, snow skiing, not so much.  Through the triathlete I learned that I enjoy cycling, hate running, love swimming, will probably never try out for the Ironman.

I’ve also long since left the notion that I have to “become” anything in order to be in relationship with anyone, let alone some guy.  I’ve reinvented my thinking around relationship, activities, connecting and the like.  I just don’t think the activities make the relationship.  I think it is the lifestyle those activities imply that makes the difference.  The bigger question is not can I get into those things, it is can I accept the lifestyle that this level of involvement in this activity will require?

I use the bowling example when I talk to friends about this.  If I were to consider dating someone who was terribly involved in bowling (and believe me, to me, that would be terrible) I would have to consider not just the bowling interest, but how many nights a week he’d be gone from home to bowl in tournaments and leagues.  In addition, I’d have to consider is this something that I, at this stage of the game, am willing to build my life around since I would probably be expected to show up and “cheer him on”.  Since bowling is an activity I’ve detested since childhood, except for the occasional rare goofy game played with drunk friends, it is probably not something I’m willing to invest a lot of time in especially since there are so many other things I really would rather do.  I’m just no longer that interested in having a guy in my life, just to have a guy in my life. 

Instead of me adapting to the guy for the sake of relationship, I’m now at the place where I feel strongly, he just better be into the things I’m into or it just isn’t going to fly probably.  This doesn’t mean he has to change for me or “become” what I want, but it does mean that we should both already enjoy some of the same activities. Let’s take a “for instance” to see how this might practically play out. 

In college, way back in the day, about 25 of us routinely got together on Saturday mornings at 7, to play rugby.  Of course, the game was modified some to allow for girls to play.  Instead of tackling us, the guys had to two hand touch above the waist.  Guys, however, could tackle guys. Now, I got into this activity through a couple of girls I knew not through dating a particular guy.  This is an interest I consider my own.  Of course, rugby isn’t a game played in the US or followed and so upon leaving college, rugby and I parted ways, but I always loved and appreciated the sport because of the fast paced nature of the game and the fun I enjoyed while playing even the watered down version that we played.  But, since I was too busy being what everyone else expected, my budding interest in rugby was shoved to the back burner.

Along comes my masculine side here on 2 Sexes and guess what his favorite sport is?  Yep, NRL ~Australia.  Not a difficult connect there since I already love the sport.  He feeds me information, web links and video footage of events I cannot get on televised cable here in The States.  Do I love this?  Yes!  Am I doing this in an effort solely to further relationship?  No.  I am interested in what he sends me and the sport not just because he is into it but because I’m already into it.  I’m not having to “give up” or “become” something.  My interest in the sport is already there.

Here’s how I tell the difference.  I’ve gone to a million football events with men throughout the years.  No matter how much I like the guy or how much I learned about the sport or the teams, the game holds no fascination for me. I dread attending these games and would only do so on rare occasions.  I hate the noise, I especially hate how boring it is and how little action there is.  I’d rather watch the cheerleaders or read a good book.  But, put a little two or three minute video clip on the computer and I’ll blow half an hour watching the tries over and over again.  Take the “Other Sex” out of the question and if it were possible, I’d attend a Rugby event on my own or with girlfriends regularly, because I am that into it, no prodding or hope of a “relationship” needed.  Further, is rugby something that I could tolerate on my TV weekly during the season or could I “endure”  attending games were I in the vicinity to do so? Not a tough sell for me.   Take the “Other Sex” out of it and I’d do it anyway if I were able. Rugby is an interest we share, not something I took on in order to have something to share with him. 

Of course, to be completely honest with you, neither of us is complaining that we share an avid interest in this particular sport together.  And,even if I didn’t already like rugby, I’d pick it up to be with him because, well, rugby, especially the way the Aussies play it is just that kind of game…and the “Other Sex”?  Well, he’s just that kind of guy.

Doing Romance From A Distance

A little over a year ago, I went through this phase of signing up for every online dating site I could.  I was pretty broke so I couldn’t exactly sign up and pay a fee for all of them all at once.  What I chose to do was try each one out a month or two at a time.  One of the paid sites that I ended up trying out during this time was eHarmony.  eHarmony is the most expensive dating site out there and to even get a reasonable monthly rate you have to sign up for a minimum of three months at a time, which I did.  Except for the things I learned about how to screen flakes out quickly, it was a waste of my time.

Why?

Because of the several hundred or so people they matched me with only one was in my local area and most were on the other side of the country or several states away at least.  Since I was struggling financially and my transportation was unreliable and none of the people I met were willing to quite travel the distance to meet me, continuing with eHarmony was unrealistic for me. 

Since those times, things have changed for me.  My finances have improved, though paying for a round trip ticket to the other side of the country is still out of the question for me without a lot of lead time.  My vehicles are in good shape and more reliable than they were so the idea of traveling several hours away to visit or meet someone is not completely out of the question.  In fact, as I’ve reflected upon my own goals and objectives in life, as I’ve pondered my priorities in relationship and as I’ve contemplated what my standards and expectations are for relationship and for a quality partner, the idea that I might have to look further than my own neighborhood to find it has become starkly apparent.

But dating is tricky and relationship can be difficult.  Issues like compatibility, perspectives, values, spirituality, lifestyles need to be discussed, observed and evaluated in terms of “fit”.  Even more importantly there are certain dynamics that, for me anyway, have to exist in order for a relationship to really be viable.  These things involve transparency, trust, the ability to have those tough conversations without taking offense. Couples dating from a distance also have the issues of proximity (or lack of) and communication blocks due to technology and time zones to deal with.  In this world which is rapidly diminishing in size due to our increasing technologies, dating from a distance is likely to become more and more prevalent.

So how can couples safely and effectively negotiate a romantic involvement from a distance?  How long can they be apart and still maintain the relationship?  What are the key elements that must be present in order for their romance to grow and thrive. How are these things achieved and furthered? 

These are the questions that have rolled around in my mind as I’ve contemplated, okay, entered into a relationship of sorts where 17 hours, several continents and 12,000 miles separate us.  It isn’t exactly like he lives across town and I can say “Hey, let’s barbecue some steaks and hang in the hot tub for a bit tonight.”  At the same time, I know we can’t be the only people or the first to experience this situation.

How do you do relationship from a distance?

Like Hand In Glove–Defining A Relationship That Fits

Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that the woman is driving at one thing and you’re driving at another.
—George Bernard Shaw

 This quote certainly describes the feeling of many men, I think, when a woman enters the picture but I’ll let the men speak for themselves.  I chose this quote today because while written from a man’s perspective, it does express many experiences I’ve had in  relationships too.  This situation of two people heading off in different relational directions or having different relational priorities can be frustrating and damaging  and painful.  Note that I said they can be.  I did not say they always are.

Many of us can cite our own examples of being with someone who wanted different things from the relationship than we did.  They either wanted to be more serious or didn’t want to move the relationship forward.  We wanted only friendship, while they wanted a committed LTR.  We wanted to do relationship our way but they continued to pressure us to do it their way with their priorities. We fell for them just as they decided they wanted to invest in someone else instead. He wants modern urban high tech furniture, she want French Provincial antiques.  The possibilites for difference and disagreement are endless.  

Sometimes, even the way they hold hands is just wrong!  Paul Reiser, in his book Couplehood(1994, Bantam Books) states the following about hand holding and about relationship:

“Now, I’m not saying she’s a bad person. But the second we held hands, I knew she wasn’t for me. We just didn’t fit.

And I knew I couldn’t explain it to her, either.

Because, the way I figure, there are two types of people: those who get it and those who don’t.  If they get it, there’s nothing to explain, and if they don’t, there no point trying to explain.  They don’t get it.  Move on. 

But I remember thinking that if you’re going to be with someone, you should find someone who gets it.  And someone who fits.

Someone who gets it and someone who fits.  This is the key to me.  I’m not talking about hand holding or whether Tab A fits nicely into Slot B.  I’m not talking about sharing the same interests or enjoying the same activities.  I’m not talking about liking the same foods or music.  I’m not even talking about agreement in terms of lifestyle.  While all these things are valid and necessary paths for couples to traverse, I am talking about something deeper and more substantial than anything that can be observed in a relationship.  I’m talking about that which can only be experienced by the two involved in the relationship.  Do they get it and do they fit each other?

It is difficult to explain.  Allow me to attempt to explain what I’m only recently (in the last year) beginning to wrap my mind around by using an analogy. 

Every winter, I go to the store and purchase knit gloves for my children.  These gloves are inexpensive and while they would be useless for  playing in the snow, they are very effective for keeping little fingers and hands warm while waiting for the bus outside on cold frosty mornings or while playing at recess on cold, dry wintery days.  These gloves come in a multitude of colors but they come in only one size.  One size fits all.  They actually come in two sizes:  one size fits all for children and one size fits most for adults.   I usually find gloves that my children can wear, but when it comes to finding gloves for me, it’s a very different story.  I seem to have the most difficult time finding gloves that fit me just right.   The gloves are either too narrow or too wide in the hand or the fingers are too short and don’t fit comfortably.  In fact, they are annoying to wear because the part where finger should meet hand is halfway up to my knuckle and I keep having to push the gloves down on my hand.  Irritating. 

This is how relationship can be: like hand in glove.  It needs to fit.  It needs to slip on easily and form to all the little curvatures and quirks in my relational hand.  There shouldn’t be this constant annoying adjusting for lack of a good fit. It should be comfortable, at ease, and right.  When a pair of gloves fit me, I don’t obsess about them, I don’t constantly try to adjust them.  I just put them on and enjoy them.  This is what a good fitting relationship, in my mind, ought to be like.

This isn’t to say that everything is easy.  This isn’t to say that there aren’t issues that will need to be addressed or differences that need to be negotiated. It doesn’t mean a good fitting couple will always be a couple in agreement.  It simply means that at the deepest, most meaningful  levels you understand each other and you accept each other. 

It feels remarkably easy and comfortable.  You fit and you both get it.

Of course, defining is always much easier than finding.  Once you’ve defined what you’re looking for and what it is you want, then it is difficult to be swayed by ill-fitting counterfeits.