I recently read a review of the top 10 online dating sites at

Reason #1: Expense

Let’s face it.  eHarmony is the most expensive dating site out there.  The cost to sign up for just one month, at $59.95, is double the cost of a monthly membership in most other online sites. If you sign up for a 12-month membership, the monthly cost drops to $19.95 a month, but you pay the entire amount up front.  This is not a payment plan that is made up for real people.  Okay, at least not real people, who are post-40, reeling financially from the devastating impact of divorce, homeowners who are scrambling to keep their homes or avoid bankruptcy, and still pay off debt, send a kid or maybe two to college, feed the rest of the children and maintain vehicles.  When I was recently divorced, struggling to deal with the financial aftermath, there was no way I was going to put out a couple of hundred bills for something as uncertain as a dating site, no matter how reputable it was.  Putting out the $59.95 for one month was a stretch.  I just didn’t have it.  Even so, I definitely didn’t want to be rocking alone at the Old Folks’ Home in my 90’s, so I bit the bullet and bought a 3-month membership.  I was very disappointed.  The expense, in terms of suitable meet-ups, was only the tip of the disappointment iceberg.

Reason #2: The Matching Process

The matching process is excessively lengthy and one might even say, thorough, but when it came to pairing me with people I felt would make a good match for me, it was a complete bomb.  I didn’t think the results really captured the essence of who I was as an individual.  It certainly didn’t result in putting the kind of profiles in front of me that were even remotely interesting to me.  I found that I was far more successful  and had far more fun, choosing the people I wanted to meet based on my own priorities, reasons, and interests.  eHarmony’s special matching process just didn’t work for me. In the three months I subscribed to eHarmony, I was matched with a lot of people. I had plenty of new matches daily to sift through.  I was only interested in corresponding with three of them.  I did end up meeting one of them and it was clear immediately to both of us that it just wasn’t a fit.  We were not compatible; he annoyed me with his mannerisms and perspectives and we didn’t have any interests in common. So much for the highly rated matching process.

Reason #3: Proximity

At the time, I knew there was something wrong with a matching system that matched me with people that lived two and three states away when I placed a priority on being matched with people within 100-mile radius.  Most of the people eHarmony chose for me were located on the other side of the country.  eHarmony didn’t match me with people I could date, even though I mentioned distance as my top priority.  As a newly divorced person with limited discretionary spending, I was completely unable to make a long distance trip to meet someone.  As someone who was interested in developing a meaningful relationship, being able to do more than correspond was very important.  I wanted to be able to spend face-to-face time in the real world with a person rather than connecting digitally.  eHarmony presented me with matches that could only possibly be digital. That just didn’t work for me.  Compare this with other dating sites, where at a fraction of the cost or for free, and without the benefits of the special compatibility matching process, I could post my profile on Sunday and have dates (plenty of them) for the next weekend in my hometown. Isn’t the point of an online dating site, after all, to put you in contact with people you actually would meet and date in person?  eHarmony provided none of that for me.

Reason #4:  I Wasn’t Alone

I know I’m not alone.  I’ve been single and in the dating scene for four years now.  I’ve blogged and talked with and read accounts from hundreds of people who have experienced the same frustrations with eHarmony.  These people represent a broad demographic; they hail from rural and urban areas, some have the finances, others don’t, most found the cost to be exorbitant for the results they received.  Most were matched like I was, with people they weren’t compatible with, and who lived too far away to make dating a reality.

In the years since dating via eHarmony, I’ve discovered a few things, the most important of which is….

Reason #5:  I Know Better Than eHarmony

Once burned, twice shy, the old adage states.  This is so true for those who’ve been burned in a relationship or who’ve suffered through divorce.  When you get back into the dating scene it is easy and understandable that you question your own ability to make good choices about dating, partners, and whether or not a relationship even works.  I certainly was no exception here.  In the following years after my experiment with eHarmony, I’ve learned that I know better than ever, and better than anyone, what will and won’t work for me.  I don’t need some expert’s special matching process to eliminate choices for me or to force me to pay attention to people I simply wouldn’t give a second glance to anyway because they live halfway across the country.  I know what I like and what I don’t.  I know what I’m looking for in a partner and what I can’t possibly tolerate. Not one of my priorities are even addressed on eHarmony’s compatibility measures.  I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions for myself rather than allowing some computer generated system to decide my potential dates for me.

When it comes to the cost-benefit, the effectiveness of the matching process, the proximity of potential dates,  the ability of the site to match me with people of interest to me, and the fact that my experience was similar to many others’ experiences, I simply cannot consider eHarmony as being credible, let alone deserving of a #1 ranking for online dating.  While clearly it works for many, it also doesn’t work for many and for some really significant reasons.  For those with my experience, eHarmony comes as close to being a scam as they come.  The methods and matching didn’t earn my trust at all.

Have you tried eHarmony?  If so, what was your experience?

Not unlike the relationships I’ve experienced over the last four years in Post-40 Online Dating World. It’s as easy as turning on your computer, if you have internet connection. Push a button, the men appear. A few emails, a phone call or two, a meetup, a date, two dates…

Then as easily and quickly as they materialized, they evaporate.

I don’t know why this is. Wait. I know partly why this is. It’s not me, it’s them, right?

Part of it was me. I probably spent time,no, wasted time on individuals, who, no matter how interesting they seemed to me, were simply not viable candidates for relationship, at least, not the kind of relationship I was looking for.

But all of that is fodder for other posts, possibly here, maybe elsewhere, and definitely for another time.

Today, I just wanted to report that I’m back. This little blog is mine and, while I might be having a conversation with myself, I’m still going to have that conversation. I like what I have to say. It matters to me. I hope it matters to someone else, but if it doesn’t, I’m still okay with that.

2 Sexes made the first page on Blogged’s listing of single parent blogs.  Not too shabby for a blog that has just started.  To put it clearly, I ranked 8 of 80 very fine blogs, based on the editor’s rating of  the 2.   The 2 is certainly in some good company and because of that I just can’t see letting it die. 

I’m not sure how I’m going to adequately reflect the perspectives of the other sex except possibly to give shout outs to some of those guys out there blogging about the male perspective.  There are some good ones, too, and I’m not saying that just because they are single, over 40 and still have all their own teeth either! 

Anyway, not sure how this is going to go or even when/if I have time for a 4th blog, especially one like this that I’d hope would be a little more serious, but we will see. 

I just can’t see letting this one die even if it is just me, myself and I here…for right now.  See how positive feedback can be such a great motivator?

I am going to shelve this blog for now.  It isn’t Two Sexes anymore.  It is something we did together.  It was how we connected.  It was very special to me.  I’m taking time to take care of me and to get over what has become a very painful and confusing experience. 

I’ll probably take this blog down after a bit.  I don’t know.  We’ll see.

Let me take a whack at explaining.

Suppose you have two young people interested in each other.  He is into Nascar or fixing up old cars and racing them or bowling or flyfishing or riding quads or whatever.  She could care less, but because she likes him and is interested in furthering a relationship with him she tags along and makes like she’s into whatever he’s into.  If she’s not into it and doesn’t really care about the activity, she’ll actually go along and be pleasant for a while, at least until the relationship is stabilized and established, then when she begins to feel comfortable in the relationship she may participate in this activity with him less and less.

Have you ever noticed how men do not tend to do this?  What is up with that? 

I knew this guy I once worked with and about a year ago we were talking about online dating and so on and he made the statement, “She’s got to be into hiking!”  That, of course, was his passion.  Now this was an attractive enough man, but not someone I would ever date (not that I even ever considered it nor was I given the opportunity to consider it fortunately).  Why?  I’m not into hiking and I’m not into getting into hiking just to be with a guy.  No, that’s not how I roll anymore.

I used to though.  Plenty.

In high school I dated a third generation Japanese boy.  As a result I “got into”  snow skiing, water skiing, 4-wheeling, Japanese cuisine and using chopsticks instead of silverware at every meal, most particularly when Japanese fare was served.

In college, I dated a guy for several months who was a hockey player, in the summer, I got into roller skating around campus and town with him.

Later, I dated a guy who was into the Western Swing, two-step, and I picked that up.

I then dated a guy who trained for triathlons and, you guessed it, I began cycling, running and swimming (I was already a swimmer and a runner, but I really learned the finer art of the road race from him).

I essentially became whatever the person I dated wanted.  While I enjoyed all of those things, the problem was that I didn’t have much of my own interests and self to bring to the table so when ever a guy came along I scrapped me and became what he wanted.

This was not a good habit to get into when it came to considering marriage and as you can guess, I did meet and marry someone and I “became” the wife he wanted.  Problem with all that is that one day, ten years or so later, I realized I wasa doing a bunch of stuff I didn’t want to be doing for a bunch of people I didn’t care much for and I didn’t like any of it.  It didn’t bode well for the marriage.

I think many women today, especially younger women encounter this dilemma.

You see, intuitively, women seem to know that men connect through activity while women connect through conversation.  For a woman, what you do is less important than who you are with and how you are relating.  For a guy, it is important to do some physical activity before he can feel safe enough to converse or connect.  This is why women have an easier time of “getting into” whatever the guy is into because as long as there’s an opportunity for conversation and relationship, she’s all good.  Guys on the other hand connect through activity so it’s got to be something he relates to. He’s not going to feel really comfortable hanging with you at the spa while you get your pedicure done necessarily.

The problem with this occurs, when a woman, such as I used to be, is not in touch enough with herself to know what she’s about.  She then loses herself and becomes whatever it is the man wants her to become.  That’s fine if she ends up liking that, but if one day, years down the road she wakes up and thinks, this isn’t really me, this isn’t what I want to be…then there is bound to be some choppy water in the ocean of love.

I’ve come a long way since those earlier years.  Of course, it isn’t all bad either.  Through each of those men, I learned something about myself.  Through my first Japanese boyfriend I learned that I love boating and water skiing, snow skiing, not so much.  Through the triathlete I learned that I enjoy cycling, hate running, love swimming, will probably never try out for the Ironman.

I’ve also long since left the notion that I have to “become” anything in order to be in relationship with anyone, let alone some guy.  I’ve reinvented my thinking around relationship, activities, connecting and the like.  I just don’t think the activities make the relationship.  I think it is the lifestyle those activities imply that makes the difference.  The bigger question is not can I get into those things, it is can I accept the lifestyle that this level of involvement in this activity will require?

I use the bowling example when I talk to friends about this.  If I were to consider dating someone who was terribly involved in bowling (and believe me, to me, that would be terrible) I would have to consider not just the bowling interest, but how many nights a week he’d be gone from home to bowl in tournaments and leagues.  In addition, I’d have to consider is this something that I, at this stage of the game, am willing to build my life around since I would probably be expected to show up and “cheer him on”.  Since bowling is an activity I’ve detested since childhood, except for the occasional rare goofy game played with drunk friends, it is probably not something I’m willing to invest a lot of time in especially since there are so many other things I really would rather do.  I’m just no longer that interested in having a guy in my life, just to have a guy in my life. 

Instead of me adapting to the guy for the sake of relationship, I’m now at the place where I feel strongly, he just better be into the things I’m into or it just isn’t going to fly probably.  This doesn’t mean he has to change for me or “become” what I want, but it does mean that we should both already enjoy some of the same activities. Let’s take a “for instance” to see how this might practically play out. 

In college, way back in the day, about 25 of us routinely got together on Saturday mornings at 7, to play rugby.  Of course, the game was modified some to allow for girls to play.  Instead of tackling us, the guys had to two hand touch above the waist.  Guys, however, could tackle guys. Now, I got into this activity through a couple of girls I knew not through dating a particular guy.  This is an interest I consider my own.  Of course, rugby isn’t a game played in the US or followed and so upon leaving college, rugby and I parted ways, but I always loved and appreciated the sport because of the fast paced nature of the game and the fun I enjoyed while playing even the watered down version that we played.  But, since I was too busy being what everyone else expected, my budding interest in rugby was shoved to the back burner.

Along comes my masculine side here on 2 Sexes and guess what his favorite sport is?  Yep, NRL ~Australia.  Not a difficult connect there since I already love the sport.  He feeds me information, web links and video footage of events I cannot get on televised cable here in The States.  Do I love this?  Yes!  Am I doing this in an effort solely to further relationship?  No.  I am interested in what he sends me and the sport not just because he is into it but because I’m already into it.  I’m not having to “give up” or “become” something.  My interest in the sport is already there.

Here’s how I tell the difference.  I’ve gone to a million football events with men throughout the years.  No matter how much I like the guy or how much I learned about the sport or the teams, the game holds no fascination for me. I dread attending these games and would only do so on rare occasions.  I hate the noise, I especially hate how boring it is and how little action there is.  I’d rather watch the cheerleaders or read a good book.  But, put a little two or three minute video clip on the computer and I’ll blow half an hour watching the tries over and over again.  Take the “Other Sex” out of the question and if it were possible, I’d attend a Rugby event on my own or with girlfriends regularly, because I am that into it, no prodding or hope of a “relationship” needed.  Further, is rugby something that I could tolerate on my TV weekly during the season or could I “endure”  attending games were I in the vicinity to do so? Not a tough sell for me.   Take the “Other Sex” out of it and I’d do it anyway if I were able. Rugby is an interest we share, not something I took on in order to have something to share with him. 

Of course, to be completely honest with you, neither of us is complaining that we share an avid interest in this particular sport together.  And,even if I didn’t already like rugby, I’d pick it up to be with him because, well, rugby, especially the way the Aussies play it is just that kind of game…and the “Other Sex”?  Well, he’s just that kind of guy.

As at 2007 some 2.3 million American men were single dads who had custody of their children, up from 400,000 in 1970. Another 4.6 million single men did not have custody but were supporting their minor children financially.

In 2000, more than 3 million children lived in a household headed by a single Father. That’s more than triple the 1980 number. As of 2007  the American Census Bureau reported that 42 percent of single custodial Fathers were divorced; 38 percent had never married; 15 percent were separated; and 5 percent were widowed.

The ratio of single Father households to all single parent households has been steadily increasing. Currently, 1-in-6 single parents is a single Father, compared with 1-in-10 in 1970.

According to Hallmark, about 95 million Father’s Day cards are given in the United States each year, making it the fourth largest card sending occasion.

Whether someone is married or single, being a parent is not an easy task. Being a single dad is even more challenging.

One misperception is that Fathers get primary custody of their children only when the mother is unfit to raise them.  ”There’s this assumption that the Father would not have gotten custody under ordinary circumstances, and that only if the mother has gone crazy or is in rehab or is in jail,” Armin Brott - “The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting Without a Partner.”

While this may be true in some situations, it’s not always the case, at least not today.

Andrew Cherlin, a sociology professor at Johns Hopkins University, believes there’s clearly been a change in the way courts perceive Fathers. He ties this trend to the increasing role that many men play in their children’s lives.

“It’s a circular effect, men do more child care, the judges are more likely to give them custody,” said Cherlin. “A few decades ago, few of these men would have custody of their kids. Even if the mother was incapable, the child might have been put in a foster care home rather than given to a Father.”

The transition to being a single dad isn’t easy. Particularly when the child or children are female. Many Fathers struggle to address decidedly non-masculine subjects like menstruation and bra shopping.

“I mean those things are big challenges that I still don’t know how to do that well,” Greg Jones – Single Father. “I said, ‘Well, she’s a female, of course she knows how to put on a bra.’ But, you know, she’s put on the same amount of bras as I had at that point.”

“Single Fathers shouldn’t be afraid of making mistakes”, said Brott. “Kids are resilient little creatures and if you make a few mistakes, they’ll survive,” he added. “So many Fathers that I have spoken to are afraid of making mistakes. We feel very much under the watchful eye of society … They need to get in there and make the mistakes, and learn the skills that parents need to have.”

Not only do single Fathers such as Mr. Jones face day-to-day challenges raising their children, they also sometimes face stigmas in society about parenthood. Some individuals, perhaps their own bosses, may not grasp how their situations may be different  and require more flexibility than if they belonged to a traditional, two-parent family.

“Employers and the community at large should be more accepting of single Fathers” – Dr. Ken Canfield - founder and president of the National Center for Fatheringinsists. He advocates “family flex time” in the workplace, allowing a parent to take time out of their day to visit their child’s school or attend a child’s activity.

“I think flex time is a great benefit, more important than a job raise. It would just do so much to keep children from potentially difficult situations” said Canfield.

“Single Fathers are valiant and important to their child’s well-being. As important as single parent moms,” he added. ” We need to look for ways to support and encourage these Fathers in their unique circumstances.”

Books geared toward single Fathers are relatively new to the book publishing scene. Just a few years ago, such books were scarce. Today, single dads have quite a large selection to choose from. A quick search on Amazon.com revealed the following recent books for single Fathers. (I’m not recommending them, just listing them).

Raising My Best Friends: Meeting the Challenge of Being a Single Father (Beckham Publication Group, 2006),

How to be a Great Single Dad (Hay House Pub, 2005),

Surviving the Single Dad Syndrome (PublishAmerica, 2004),

Quality Time for Dad: A Parenting Guide for the Single Father (Authorhouse, 2004),

Diary of a Single Dad (Authorhouse, 2003),

The Single Dad’s Survival Guide: How to Succeed as a One-Man Parenting Team (Waterbrook Press, 2003),

Cook Like a Mother, Clean Like a Pro: The Single Dad’s Guide to Cooking and Cleaning (PM Wright Communications, 2002).

The list of organizations and websites focusing on the needs of single Fathers is also growing. A Google search came up with the following results. (Once again I’m not vouching for them, just listing them).

Fathers’ Rights and Equality Exchange: www.dadsrights.org,

Responsible Single Fathers: www.singlefather.org,

Parents without Partners: www.parentswithoutpartners.com,

Resources for Single Dads: http://fatherhood.about.com/od/singledadsresources/,

The Single Fathers’ Lighthouse: www.lighthousedad.com, and

MrMoms: www.mrmoms.org.

So if you are a single dad, you should know that resources (books and organizations) exist to help you meet the challenges of single parenthood.

“… and to those dads, single or married, who have been loving, nurturing, and responsible in fulfilling their parental role, there is only one appropriate thing to say. Congratulations!”  – http://www.About.com

1. Know Yourself.

For example, clearly if one appears needy and desperate this is a turn off.  Women typically appear this way by doing things that would seem to violate the rules of the “hard to get” game.  They call too early, they call to often, they talk too much, they dress too revealingly, they simply work too hard at it and it shows obviously and it communicates fear of loneliness and desperation.

Men can appear needy and desperate too.  Contacting a woman three or four times on that dating site before she’s even had the chance to respond to your first email, calling repetitively in a single 24 hour period, divulging everything you think and feel and all your past in the first email or date, talking about yourself constantly, over promoting yourself, selling yourself too hard, pointing out all your really great qualities for her (really?  If they exist she’ll be smart enough to notice) and moving in for the kill (sex) way too quickly.

Confidence is something you simply can’t fake.  That’s why when I talk with folks about their dating dilemmas the very first thing I advise is for them to take time to figure out who they are and what they are about.  The dating game is not about attracting someone just for the sake of attracting someone, is it?  It is about finding someone who is the best fit in terms of lifestyle temperament and connection for you.  In order to recognize this fit when he/she appears, you’ve got to do your homework and the homework begins with getting to know who you are and what you are about.  You simply can’t take shortcuts here unless, of course, you want to invite misery.

2.  Relax and Enjoy The Journey

Life and dating are a process not a destination.  You don’t just suddenly arrive.  You travel.  You move.  You learn and grow.  Early on in my dating I was befuddled by the going silent thing that guys can often do.  It didn’t really bother me if I met the guy once and he never called back but if we’d been dating for a couple of months, shared some intimacy and he simply disappeared then I’d be a bit peeved.  In the same way, when a relationship ended, or when I figured it wasn’t going to work out I spent more energy dreading the pain I imagined I was going to experience and fearing that I’d be alone forever than really being genuinely disappointed that this particular relationship with this particular individual was not going to get off the ground.  Once I realized that’s what I was doing I realized a couple of other things as well. 

First, I realized I really enjoy being single.  If I end up being single till I die, it won’t be my preference but my life will still be wonderful.  I’m okay with this.  It shows in my interactions with other people too and it takes a lot of pressure out of my dating adventures.  I am far more relaxed and I can enjoy getting to know the other person for who they are. 

This realization led me to the realization that no dating experience is really ever wasted.  If things progress they progress.  If they don’t, I’ve gotten to know another really interesting human being and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process.  No experience is a waste of time.  I can learn something from all of it.  Instead of worrying about where the road is leading I enjoy the sights along the way. 

3.  Take Care of You

We’ve all heard it:  Take care of you because if you don’t no one else will.  It sounds trite but it is so true.  When we date we can lose ourselves.  It is so much fun to be caught up in that moment, the romance, the emotion, the sexual tension, the way you feel so attractive and valuable when you are with the other person that you begin to make compromises.  He calls at the last minute and you change your plans to take some time alone for yourself that evening and pretty soon you have a tyrannical situation on your hands.  You skip an evening out with the guys that you’ve had planned for a month because she’s disappointed that you are not getting together that night.  Before you know it you are unhappy, tired, dissatisfied, and stressed and this affects your relationships. You aren’t able to bring your best self to the table because your best self has somehow disappeared.

While I’m a firm believer in making the other person a priority and treating them with utmost respect and consideration especially if the relationship is more than a few months old, I’m also adamant that people take care of themselves.  Mothers and women can be especially guilty of this.  I know I am.  I am often so busy trying to make sure that my responsibilities are met, that my kids are cared for and nurtured that my sweetie feels valued and admired and connected with (I need that too don’t get me wrong)  that I forget to slow down and take time for me. It is important to give yourself permission to say, “I just need a night home alone with my hot tub and pedicure kit”.  You don’t need to put it that way to your date, necessarily, but I think you get the point here.  We all just need some time to think our own thoughts, do our own thing or do something independent that we enjoy.  This revitalizes us.  For me, it keeps me from becoming stagnant, boring, frazzled and easily irritated.

Know yourself, relax, enjoy the journey and take care of you really aren’t rules per se, but they are good strategies for making sure you experience dating in the most rewarding manner possible.  These are not the only strategies or approaches that work, I’ll admit. 

What approaches, strategies or practices have you found helpful in your dating journey?  What’s worked for you?  What hasn’t?

I’ve done a lot of reading on the topic over the last two years and sadly I have a small library of my own of those stupid, but interesting self help dating books.  I know it reeks of insecurity that I actually have those books.  It’s probably the death knell that I admit it.  Oh well. 

You see, when I was first thrust into the dating scene, I knew enough to know that I didn’t have a clue.  I also knew enough to know that men simply weren’t just going to be immediately attracted to my brilliance, wit, and amazing inner person. Not right off anyway.  It simply doesn’t start out that way.  Men look at how the package is wrapped first and foremost.  Then they look at how the package unwraps.  Then and only then, if they hang around to get this far, they take a look at what’s really in the package.  This isn’t a bad thing, but a guy has to get through some stuff before he’s going to let down enough to be really real with a woman.  If she goes there too quickly or not at all this can be problematic and off putting.

This is where the game playing dilemma stems from.  The questions arise because deep down we all just want to answer one key question:  What is the appropriate behavior in this situation?

When it comes to impressing someone where the romance potential is high, we simply don’t want to risk screwing it up.  This fact alone creates anxiety even in the most stalwart of us.  How fast is too fast to move?  Should I call him or should I wait for him to call me?  How do I indicate interest without appearing needy or desperate?  When is the appropriate time to introduce the sexual element into our relationship?   One misstep here and you’re back to square one.  I know, I’ve been there, done that.  So has everyone else at some point.

You see, all these questions are really important because we all hate to see a good relationship end.  We all hope the one that we are in presently is The One.  When we enter into a serious romance we all, to some degree, play for keeps.  How we play becomes very important then, doesn’t it? No one wants to experience the pain when it doesn’t work out. No one wants to be found a loser at the chess game of Love.  No one wants to be someone else’s pawn either.  Everyone wants to live happily ever after and most of us hope that happily will include a quality lasting relationship with a significant other.

So, to play or not to play?  Or phrased differently is dating really a game?  Should one play hard to get?  Are there iron clad rules?  What are your thoughts? 

You know how it is after a first date.  You go out.  You seem to click.  He gives off all the signs that it seems to be going well from his end.  You are definitely into him on your end, but playing it cool so as  not to appear overly eager or desperate.  The date ends nicely, he says he’ll call.  You say your good-byes and go your separate ways.

Then you wait and wonder.  Will he really call?  Then you wait and wonder some more.  How should you read how that date went?  Did it really go well?  Was he really interested or just being nice?  All these questions can run through a woman’s mind the first few hours after you date someone for the first time.

A male friend of mine called toward the end of the evening.  He’s a pretty good listener and being as he does a fair amount of counseling in his profession,  I put him on the phone with her.  Actually, I just did it so they could say hello not for free dating advice but the conversation just went there.  He gave her the following advice, “If you don’t hear from him in a few days, I’d call him up and ask what’s up?”

When she told me this my jaw dropped to the floor.  Well, okay, not really, but I was completely surprised at this advice.  Especially, coming from him.  It just wasn’t exactly what I would have expected him to say. It also seems to be totally against the rules.  Yet, it was coming from a guy and a pretty put together guy at that.  She asked me what I thought of his suggestion.  I told her, “No way!  Don’t call him!” 

“Why not?” she queried. 

“Because, if you don’t give him a chance to demonstrate that he’s really a man of his word how are you ever going to know?”  I paused for effect and because I was out of breath.  “Also, if you go calling him first, how do you know he’s really into you? Make him exert some relational muscle to begin with.”   I’m also personally, not really big into “chasing guys” and my friend knew this. 

Upon leaving I’m quite sure my friend was more surprised at the completely opposite advice that she got from her two friends than anything.  He’s a guy and giving her the very opposite advice from what I gave as a woman.  He has his reasons and perspectives.  I have my rationale. 

So, here are the questions of the day:  What would you do if you were my friend?  Whose dating advice would you follow?  Would you take the guy’s advice and call, or my advice and wait?  What reasons do you have for your decision? 

We’d all love to hear your perspectives and advice!

Hmmm, now there’s a dubious honor if ever there was one.

One trend I noticed in online profile writing which I found really tedious was the way people tend to list activities, hobbies, likes, and dislikes as the primary way of describing themselves.  This is helpful to an extent, but completely redundant when included in the “About Me” section of the profile, especially on sites that ask you to check off or list activities or things you enjoy doing.  There is simply no need to repeat this in the section where you describe who you really are in your own words since you’ve already made a list of it elsewhere.  The portion of the profile, in my humble opinion, is where  a person can describe such important things as character, lifestyle, perspectives, goals and dreams.  For me, these are the things I am most interested in about a person when I’m seeking to date someone.  While hobbies and interests are important, they are less important to me than lifestyle, personality, intelligence and sense of humor when seeking a soul mate. 

After all, two people can have completely different interests and still connect on much deeper levels.  My soul mate can enjoy bowling while I enjoy quilting and the difference can be completely compatible.  If, however, my soul mate is passionately involved in bowling and participate in leagues that take him away from home several evenings a week and on weekends and I’m a person who wants to spend time with my SO working together around the house or doing things besides following him to every bloody bowling tournament that comes up, there’s going to be a rub.  The rub is in lifestyle choices.  For me, one of the key questions is will my lifestyle mesh in with his.  Instead of asking “Do we have similar interests?”  I ask, “Do we have similar lifestyles?” 

For everyone, the items that are important to us and the things we look for when searching for a Soul Mate, are different and unique to each of us.

What are the key priorities for you when searching for a Soul Mate?