Online Dating Review: 5 Reasons Why eHarmony Isn’t #1 With Me.

I recently read a review of the top 10 online dating sites at Online Dating Ranking. com, where the online dating site ranked in first place is eHarmony.  According to Online Dating Ranking.com, eHarmony is “by far the top online dating site in terms of lasting relationships and marriages” and because of eHarmony’s great site and compatibility matching system, “542 eHarmony members get married each day in the United States.” I simply cannot understand how this information can be anything but preposterous.  Even if the numbers boasted are accurate and can be directly credited to eHarmony, there are plenty of reasons why eHarmony should not be first among online dating sites. Here are five reasons why I think eHarmony, in spite of all the hype and advertising, doesn’t deserve first place.

Reason #1: Expense

Let’s face it.  eHarmony is the most expensive dating site out there.  The cost to sign up for just one month, at $59.95, is double the cost of a monthly membership in most other online sites. If you sign up for a 12-month membership, the monthly cost drops to $19.95 a month, but you pay the entire amount up front.  This is not a payment plan that is made up for real people.  Okay, at least not real people, who are post-40, reeling financially from the devastating impact of divorce, homeowners who are scrambling to keep their homes or avoid bankruptcy, and still pay off debt, send a kid or maybe two to college, feed the rest of the children and maintain vehicles.  When I was recently divorced, struggling to deal with the financial aftermath, there was no way I was going to put out a couple of hundred bills for something as uncertain as a dating site, no matter how reputable it was.  Putting out the $59.95 for one month was a stretch.  I just didn’t have it.  Even so, I definitely didn’t want to be rocking alone at the Old Folks’ Home in my 90’s, so I bit the bullet and bought a 3-month membership.  I was very disappointed.  The expense, in terms of suitable meet-ups, was only the tip of the disappointment iceberg.

Reason #2: The Matching Process

The matching process is excessively lengthy and one might even say, thorough, but when it came to pairing me with people I felt would make a good match for me, it was a complete bomb.  I didn’t think the results really captured the essence of who I was as an individual.  It certainly didn’t result in putting the kind of profiles in front of me that were even remotely interesting to me.  I found that I was far more successful  and had far more fun, choosing the people I wanted to meet based on my own priorities, reasons, and interests.  eHarmony’s special matching process just didn’t work for me. In the three months I subscribed to eHarmony, I was matched with a lot of people. I had plenty of new matches daily to sift through.  I was only interested in corresponding with three of them.  I did end up meeting one of them and it was clear immediately to both of us that it just wasn’t a fit.  We were not compatible; he annoyed me with his mannerisms and perspectives and we didn’t have any interests in common. So much for the highly rated matching process.

Reason #3: Proximity

At the time, I knew there was something wrong with a matching system that matched me with people that lived two and three states away when I placed a priority on being matched with people within 100-mile radius.  Most of the people eHarmony chose for me were located on the other side of the country.  eHarmony didn’t match me with people I could date, even though I mentioned distance as my top priority.  As a newly divorced person with limited discretionary spending, I was completely unable to make a long distance trip to meet someone.  As someone who was interested in developing a meaningful relationship, being able to do more than correspond was very important.  I wanted to be able to spend face-to-face time in the real world with a person rather than connecting digitally.  eHarmony presented me with matches that could only possibly be digital. That just didn’t work for me.  Compare this with other dating sites, where at a fraction of the cost or for free, and without the benefits of the special compatibility matching process, I could post my profile on Sunday and have dates (plenty of them) for the next weekend in my hometown. Isn’t the point of an online dating site, after all, to put you in contact with people you actually would meet and date in person?  eHarmony provided none of that for me.

Reason #4:  I Wasn’t Alone

I know I’m not alone.  I’ve been single and in the dating scene for four years now.  I’ve blogged and talked with and read accounts from hundreds of people who have experienced the same frustrations with eHarmony.  These people represent a broad demographic; they hail from rural and urban areas, some have the finances, others don’t, most found the cost to be exorbitant for the results they received.  Most were matched like I was, with people they weren’t compatible with, and who lived too far away to make dating a reality.

In the years since dating via eHarmony, I’ve discovered a few things, the most important of which is….

Reason #5:  I Know Better Than eHarmony

Once burned, twice shy, the old adage states.  This is so true for those who’ve been burned in a relationship or who’ve suffered through divorce.  When you get back into the dating scene it is easy and understandable that you question your own ability to make good choices about dating, partners, and whether or not a relationship even works.  I certainly was no exception here.  In the following years after my experiment with eHarmony, I’ve learned that I know better than ever, and better than anyone, what will and won’t work for me.  I don’t need some expert’s special matching process to eliminate choices for me or to force me to pay attention to people I simply wouldn’t give a second glance to anyway because they live halfway across the country.  I know what I like and what I don’t.  I know what I’m looking for in a partner and what I can’t possibly tolerate. Not one of my priorities are even addressed on eHarmony’s compatibility measures.  I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions for myself rather than allowing some computer generated system to decide my potential dates for me.

When it comes to the cost-benefit, the effectiveness of the matching process, the proximity of potential dates,  the ability of the site to match me with people of interest to me, and the fact that my experience was similar to many others’ experiences, I simply cannot consider eHarmony as being credible, let alone deserving of a #1 ranking for online dating.  While clearly it works for many, it also doesn’t work for many and for some really significant reasons.  For those with my experience, eHarmony comes as close to being a scam as they come.  The methods and matching didn’t earn my trust at all.

Have you tried eHarmony?  If so, what was your experience?

A Conversation of One

If you landed here and you have any skill at reading a blog, you’ll soon realize the last post is dated something like October 2009. That’s when the other contributor on this blog, the other sex, evaporated into thin air. I’m not playing with hyperbole there, I really mean it. He vanished into thin air, just as quickly as he materialized out of thin air. Gone. Poof. Dissipated. Evaporated.

Not unlike the relationships I’ve experienced over the last four years in Post-40 Online Dating World. It’s as easy as turning on your computer, if you have internet connection. Push a button, the men appear. A few emails, a phone call or two, a meetup, a date, two dates…

Then as easily and quickly as they materialized, they evaporate.

I don’t know why this is. Wait. I know partly why this is. It’s not me, it’s them, right?

Part of it was me. I probably spent time,no, wasted time on individuals, who, no matter how interesting they seemed to me, were simply not viable candidates for relationship, at least, not the kind of relationship I was looking for.

But all of that is fodder for other posts, possibly here, maybe elsewhere, and definitely for another time.

Today, I just wanted to report that I’m back. This little blog is mine and, while I might be having a conversation with myself, I’m still going to have that conversation. I like what I have to say. It matters to me. I hope it matters to someone else, but if it doesn’t, I’m still okay with that.

Not Going To Die!!!!

Nope!  Nope!  Not going to let it I tell you. 

2 Sexes made the first page on Blogged’s listing of single parent blogs.  Not too shabby for a blog that has just started.  To put it clearly, I ranked 8 of 80 very fine blogs, based on the editor’s rating of  the 2.   The 2 is certainly in some good company and because of that I just can’t see letting it die. 

I’m not sure how I’m going to adequately reflect the perspectives of the other sex except possibly to give shout outs to some of those guys out there blogging about the male perspective.  There are some good ones, too, and I’m not saying that just because they are single, over 40 and still have all their own teeth either! 

Anyway, not sure how this is going to go or even when/if I have time for a 4th blog, especially one like this that I’d hope would be a little more serious, but we will see. 

I just can’t see letting this one die even if it is just me, myself and I here…for right now.  See how positive feedback can be such a great motivator?

Two Sexes is No Longer

Well, folks.  As you can see, 2Sexes is down to one contributor.  That’d be me The Wild Mind.  The other sex here, is simply no longer which means this blog is no longer.

I am going to shelve this blog for now.  It isn’t Two Sexes anymore.  It is something we did together.  It was how we connected.  It was very special to me.  I’m taking time to take care of me and to get over what has become a very painful and confusing experience. 

I’ll probably take this blog down after a bit.  I don’t know.  We’ll see.

On Becoming

I’ve been thinking about something lately and this idea has come up in several conversations over the course of the last week.  Of course, it has to do with relationship.  In particular, it has to do with the tendency of women to be more accommodating to men in terms of activities and interests, than men are  to women. 

Let me take a whack at explaining.

Suppose you have two young people interested in each other.  He is into Nascar or fixing up old cars and racing them or bowling or flyfishing or riding quads or whatever.  She could care less, but because she likes him and is interested in furthering a relationship with him she tags along and makes like she’s into whatever he’s into.  If she’s not into it and doesn’t really care about the activity, she’ll actually go along and be pleasant for a while, at least until the relationship is stabilized and established, then when she begins to feel comfortable in the relationship she may participate in this activity with him less and less.

Have you ever noticed how men do not tend to do this?  What is up with that? 

I knew this guy I once worked with and about a year ago we were talking about online dating and so on and he made the statement, “She’s got to be into hiking!”  That, of course, was his passion.  Now this was an attractive enough man, but not someone I would ever date (not that I even ever considered it nor was I given the opportunity to consider it fortunately).  Why?  I’m not into hiking and I’m not into getting into hiking just to be with a guy.  No, that’s not how I roll anymore.

I used to though.  Plenty.

In high school I dated a third generation Japanese boy.  As a result I “got into”  snow skiing, water skiing, 4-wheeling, Japanese cuisine and using chopsticks instead of silverware at every meal, most particularly when Japanese fare was served.

In college, I dated a guy for several months who was a hockey player, in the summer, I got into roller skating around campus and town with him.

Later, I dated a guy who was into the Western Swing, two-step, and I picked that up.

I then dated a guy who trained for triathlons and, you guessed it, I began cycling, running and swimming (I was already a swimmer and a runner, but I really learned the finer art of the road race from him).

I essentially became whatever the person I dated wanted.  While I enjoyed all of those things, the problem was that I didn’t have much of my own interests and self to bring to the table so when ever a guy came along I scrapped me and became what he wanted.

This was not a good habit to get into when it came to considering marriage and as you can guess, I did meet and marry someone and I “became” the wife he wanted.  Problem with all that is that one day, ten years or so later, I realized I wasa doing a bunch of stuff I didn’t want to be doing for a bunch of people I didn’t care much for and I didn’t like any of it.  It didn’t bode well for the marriage.

I think many women today, especially younger women encounter this dilemma.

You see, intuitively, women seem to know that men connect through activity while women connect through conversation.  For a woman, what you do is less important than who you are with and how you are relating.  For a guy, it is important to do some physical activity before he can feel safe enough to converse or connect.  This is why women have an easier time of “getting into” whatever the guy is into because as long as there’s an opportunity for conversation and relationship, she’s all good.  Guys on the other hand connect through activity so it’s got to be something he relates to. He’s not going to feel really comfortable hanging with you at the spa while you get your pedicure done necessarily.

The problem with this occurs, when a woman, such as I used to be, is not in touch enough with herself to know what she’s about.  She then loses herself and becomes whatever it is the man wants her to become.  That’s fine if she ends up liking that, but if one day, years down the road she wakes up and thinks, this isn’t really me, this isn’t what I want to be…then there is bound to be some choppy water in the ocean of love.

I’ve come a long way since those earlier years.  Of course, it isn’t all bad either.  Through each of those men, I learned something about myself.  Through my first Japanese boyfriend I learned that I love boating and water skiing, snow skiing, not so much.  Through the triathlete I learned that I enjoy cycling, hate running, love swimming, will probably never try out for the Ironman.

I’ve also long since left the notion that I have to “become” anything in order to be in relationship with anyone, let alone some guy.  I’ve reinvented my thinking around relationship, activities, connecting and the like.  I just don’t think the activities make the relationship.  I think it is the lifestyle those activities imply that makes the difference.  The bigger question is not can I get into those things, it is can I accept the lifestyle that this level of involvement in this activity will require?

I use the bowling example when I talk to friends about this.  If I were to consider dating someone who was terribly involved in bowling (and believe me, to me, that would be terrible) I would have to consider not just the bowling interest, but how many nights a week he’d be gone from home to bowl in tournaments and leagues.  In addition, I’d have to consider is this something that I, at this stage of the game, am willing to build my life around since I would probably be expected to show up and “cheer him on”.  Since bowling is an activity I’ve detested since childhood, except for the occasional rare goofy game played with drunk friends, it is probably not something I’m willing to invest a lot of time in especially since there are so many other things I really would rather do.  I’m just no longer that interested in having a guy in my life, just to have a guy in my life. 

Instead of me adapting to the guy for the sake of relationship, I’m now at the place where I feel strongly, he just better be into the things I’m into or it just isn’t going to fly probably.  This doesn’t mean he has to change for me or “become” what I want, but it does mean that we should both already enjoy some of the same activities. Let’s take a “for instance” to see how this might practically play out. 

In college, way back in the day, about 25 of us routinely got together on Saturday mornings at 7, to play rugby.  Of course, the game was modified some to allow for girls to play.  Instead of tackling us, the guys had to two hand touch above the waist.  Guys, however, could tackle guys. Now, I got into this activity through a couple of girls I knew not through dating a particular guy.  This is an interest I consider my own.  Of course, rugby isn’t a game played in the US or followed and so upon leaving college, rugby and I parted ways, but I always loved and appreciated the sport because of the fast paced nature of the game and the fun I enjoyed while playing even the watered down version that we played.  But, since I was too busy being what everyone else expected, my budding interest in rugby was shoved to the back burner.

Along comes my masculine side here on 2 Sexes and guess what his favorite sport is?  Yep, NRL ~Australia.  Not a difficult connect there since I already love the sport.  He feeds me information, web links and video footage of events I cannot get on televised cable here in The States.  Do I love this?  Yes!  Am I doing this in an effort solely to further relationship?  No.  I am interested in what he sends me and the sport not just because he is into it but because I’m already into it.  I’m not having to “give up” or “become” something.  My interest in the sport is already there.

Here’s how I tell the difference.  I’ve gone to a million football events with men throughout the years.  No matter how much I like the guy or how much I learned about the sport or the teams, the game holds no fascination for me. I dread attending these games and would only do so on rare occasions.  I hate the noise, I especially hate how boring it is and how little action there is.  I’d rather watch the cheerleaders or read a good book.  But, put a little two or three minute video clip on the computer and I’ll blow half an hour watching the tries over and over again.  Take the “Other Sex” out of the question and if it were possible, I’d attend a Rugby event on my own or with girlfriends regularly, because I am that into it, no prodding or hope of a “relationship” needed.  Further, is rugby something that I could tolerate on my TV weekly during the season or could I “endure”  attending games were I in the vicinity to do so? Not a tough sell for me.   Take the “Other Sex” out of it and I’d do it anyway if I were able. Rugby is an interest we share, not something I took on in order to have something to share with him. 

Of course, to be completely honest with you, neither of us is complaining that we share an avid interest in this particular sport together.  And,even if I didn’t already like rugby, I’d pick it up to be with him because, well, rugby, especially the way the Aussies play it is just that kind of game…and the “Other Sex”?  Well, he’s just that kind of guy.